Turning it up….limits

It was almost a challenge, second session with the counsellor I started seeing…
Talking to them it was like I was given a task to do….push myself

There was a gig Friday night

London, Camden, Underworld, Fit For An Autopsy, ticket bought months ago….you must go, do it they tell me…maybe I say

As usual closer and closer to the date, that familiar feeling of anxiety, being out in public
In the past it has led to cancelling nights out, staying in…giving tickets away, making excuses

This time, after much faffing about, start getting ready
For the first time in years, even pulled out my old purple leather trim New Rock boots

Purple in my hair, black nail varnish, my rock goth punk look in gear

Making my way to the gig, wandering around Camden Town
A brief visit to the Church where we used to hold Spectrum London meetings

A quick bite to eat and on to the gig

Down the stairs, the noise is there, guitars, screaming….maybe it will be okay

A chance to talk to one of the guitarists with Fit For An Autopsy, shaking hands, smiling….feeling buzzed

The time I got there meant I just got to see Venom Prison who are a new favourite noisy love
Screaming, noisy, speed, hot, sweat….and I am not drinking, sticking to just water

After time, Fit come on stage….I gradually lose it, scream and shout, bounce bounce bounce.

Soon it is over

A quick tube trip to the cross and the train back to Hitchin.

The night is not over however. As the train is leaving Stevenage and my old pain comes back. Body rebelling, muscles in spasm, barely able to stop screaming out.

Arriving at Hitchin and I am in agony. A kind soul helps me off the train and the station staff try to help. They are worried as it looks like I am having some kind of heart attack. An ambulance is being called, I am being sat down on the floor, take a drink, breath easy, you will be okay I’m told . After 15 minutes or so, the pain recedes and I am left drenched in sweat and shaking. Embarrassed and self conscious at the station folks and passengers who are looking after this old weird looking guy who a short time ago was writhing in agony and telling them….’do not worry, it is not life threatening…it will pass soon’…eventually I convince them to cancel the ambulance and they arranged a taxi to take me home.

Back home, take some Kalms tablets and collapse into bed……muscles in my chest still sore, aching

The next day is blurry, vague as I start the day….

A night out, not so routine, not so everyday as it used to be… it ended up on the floor of platform 2 at Hitchin station….

Despite that, in spite of how I feel still….sore, tired and worn out…..a night out, I got to see some awesome bands…..out of my comfort zone and pushing myself…even getting back into my New Rocks, purple hair and black nails looking flipping cool….as only an old freak can do….

Would I do it again? …well maybe not the boots because they were seriously uncomfortable after a night walking about and bouncing around ….sore feet today, but yes….cos I made it home and even with the crap at the end of the night, I got out and about… heard some fantastic noise, with sweat, heat and energy….not dead yet

…just my tuppence worth…

it just fell out of my mind one morning...

Lets be clear about this

They would and have pressed  the button to annihilate cities, millions of peoples  lives ….shed a tear and praise their courage and bravery at taking such a difficult decision on our behalf…

Scary

Keep people in their place….more than just nasty people taxing bedrooms taking food from the poor discarding the disabled

Scare us, would they do that…..or just examples of what they might do if pushed to keep us in our place

Is it them or us

Angry one day? You would imagine terrible acts of revenge …would you do it? If you had the power? So would they?

When we talk about them…what they do how scary they are …do we add to their power spreading the fear?

Distracting us from what works what is needed

Bill said

Fear or love

Rorscharch said

No compromise even in the face of Armageddon

And pushing the button….one fell swoop or little by little….

Chip away at those below or wipe out in one go

The news….the media….an illusion…just part of the torrent of input we experience every day….remember when you thought felt were sure about what was wrong? It hasn’t changed just the fog can descend and you have the worry and stress of everyday life to filter it through…..time has passed but….

It hasn’t changed….

what you thought was wrong and needed correction hasn’t changed…..it is still wrong, it is still based on fear and hate and still needs to be seen for what it is……call it right and wrong…call it some eternal battle between good and evil or a politically framed conflict of class and capital and us against them but meanwhile…..

People die, animals and other species disappear….whether talking about electronic freedoms ala the governance  of the internet or everyday life….localised arguments about borders, private vs public sector, taxing the poor, disenfranchising those who are already disenfranchised…..just that little bit more, corruption in power may change name face flag but remains the same disease

It hasn’t changed….

Don’t be surprised, stop being afraid of what’s next….you already know it’s just a matter of detail

Build move forward grow empower gain strength with life and from your strength be more alive

Corny? Fear is the disease and love is the cure? Smile and be happy? Hippy cliché? Or perhaps just finding a way to live and survive here and now, not waiting for a fantasy to arrive once it’s all over

Love and anger works

Fear and hate don’t

Don’t be afraid love your anger and kill the hate, you’ll feel better

...just my tuppence worth...

nearly back to almost normal...ish

a meandering outripping of what's been occurring lately

The last month and a half has been a strange one. I've been off work, recovering from surgery and having to take it very easy whilst I healed up...but that's by the by, that's just the reason whilst I've been away from work and home during the day.

apart from developing an unhealthy fascination with the daily soap 'Doctors' I've had the chance to rewind, relax, think and retune meself.

To keep myself from completely atrophying, I've been trying to get out and about when I can and Denise and I have made many trips to wildlife and nature reserves, animal parks and other such places. This has helped feed one of my current distractions of taking digital photographs which I've had since I got a mobile phone with a camera. Some of my lucky efforts have made it onto FickleBarf occasionally, or on to my flickr, website and all that (being http://www.flickr.com/photos/73433109@N07/ and http://synapticrefuge.net/ a slow work in progress....)

Now, maybe it's just that time of the evening or summat, but thinking about this whilst watching another chris packham nature programme on the telly it struck me how bloody lucky I've been lately.

In the last month, I've watched with wonder and delight field mice just a few feet away from me nibbling at sunflower seeds I've put out for them to eat.

I've had the pleasure of being surprised by a couple of the frogs from the pond in the garden deciding to venture into the house and explore.

.

Dunnocks, pied wagtails, goldfinches and other small and not so small birds have become regular visitors because of the food we put out for them, as well as a couple of visits from a sparrow hawk, grateful no doubt for the lunch opportunity they provided. Today, we watching the courtship ritual of a pair of crested grebes, as well as goldeneyes, wrens, coots and the rest. Later in the evening, coming across a merlin, a female kestrel and a couple of buzzards, along with boxing hares, black wild rabbits and a herd of deer including one magical looking white deer amongst them.



I can complain, can't we all eh.....my health has been a worry these last few years, a couple of very close calls, lots of pain hospitals appointments medication and the rest, and so it seems I'm no longer the fit healthy vibrant young man I once was. Ah well, so what! I'm still here. Older, not so wiser but I have a few tales to tell now. In a few days I'll be back in the harness and in the thick of it all and no doubt distracted with trivialities and nonsense which will dull my senses and blunt my compassion. So, to remind myself whilst its still fresh in my head, these word are here.....yes, work sucks, the government are trying to destroy all that is good in society, the environment we live in seems a battle and a fight and conflict between good and evil but....big but....life is bloody well here and now and good and I'm lucky to be still a part of it all cos it could be oh so different.


not so much 'if life gives you lemons, make lemonade' just......I've seen worse, which means this is better and that's gotta be a good thing and I am choosing to believe that is so.


just my tuppence worth....

are we there yet?

These thoughts just running through my head. It's hard to write them down clearly so I may not do them justice. This is about those in the gender binary though is not a denial of any others on the spectrum. I'm not a journalist, just writing what I feel....no editing or blue pencil so take it as read, if you can.

People that are trans, transgender...however you wish to say it are in a place that you could almost forget still existed in our nice clean civilised society in the 'west'.

For people that transition or have transitioned if you prefer you can be yourself. Life changed, ID changed, birth certificate changed....the picture on your passport, the gender marker on your medical records, the salutation used in official letters addressed to you. You may have no past any more, friends, family your history may no longer be there for you. People have lost wives husbands siblings children to be who they are. Others have been fortunate, understanding has prevailed, bigotry and intolerance has not gained a foothold and they have the thread of their past lives to where they are now. Money and privilege may have helped, giving financial and physical independence though not always a guarantee of an easier journey.

day by day though....

There is the talk of 'passing'. Do you 'pass'? Will people detect who you once were? This gets tied up in society's pressures of how a woman and a man look and behave....for a lot of people it's just a minor issue in comparison and usually linked more to whether people will question your sexuality ....like it's any business of theirs, I might add!  Are you gay? lesbian? too effeminate for a man? too butch for a woman?

You may be fortunate. Transition young, seem to be correct in your physical features, usually meaning 'attractive' for a female, 'manly' for a man...in short 'you pass'.    Perhaps you are older, transition later, don't have the resources for the surgical procedures, therapists and other specialist services that can help. So, you don't pass.

If you do, then you may hide your past, so you may be fearful that someone will 'out' you, discover your secret and expose you for the 'fake person' you are. 'You're just a bloke in a dress!'    'How could you lie to us?'   Your honesty questioned, integrity doubted, motives put up to the light of inspection. It can be hard to stand up and say 'yes this is me, and I used to pretend to be that person but now I am me'.

But then there is the lesson to be learned from those who don't pass. Ridicule, anger hate discrimination, violence may be your daily companion. Work colleagues, neighbours strangers in the street judging you because they don't understand, are ignorant, misinformed or bigoted through cultural or religious belief.  So better to hide? Safer to be thankful that you do pass? Are not questioned? Accepted....sort of?

For people who are trans, perception of who you are ....its deeper and more stark because it is about your gender identity, who you are and were and sadly, how you will be treated as a human being. The stereotypes of who is a woman or a man are slow to evolve and are often a cage of restrictions and masks for those not strong enough to break out of it and truly be themselves.

In every day life, what a lot of people take for granted is so different for people who are trans. Apparently, you may be 'disabled' when it comes to your choice of lavatory. Your rights to be treated with dignity and respect can be a battleground in so many ways, because to treat you differently is still seen as 'being realistic', to allow discrimination is merely 'a difference of opinion', questioning your assertion of feelings of hurt despair and anger as you 'being difficult, a troublemaker', not 'willing to make a compromise'.

In the past, people who were of Afro Caribbean origin were treated like this as a matter of course ...back of the bus with you, know your place. People who were Jewish had to change their name, deny their history for fear of hate. History has shown just how wrong it can be and how far this bigotry discrimination and hatred can go, the depths it can descend to. Apparently this kind of thinking is no longer accepted...isn't  it?

In some countries now, your right to travel on an air plane can rest on whether you seem to exhibit the correct 'look' to match the gender listed on your passport. This is decided arbitrarily by an official 'just doing his job'. In the past this may have been seeing if you had curlier hair than was to be expected, say Pretoria in the 1960's or a particular shaped nose, perhaps Berlin in the 1930's?

No escape if you are a child. Now, as I write this, a 10 year old is being told to use the disabled toilets at school to change in for gym....not because the other children have a problem with her, but for fear of what the parents may say.

Who you are is more than gender, race, sexuality, physical ability, age or origin of birth but it is clear that for some, this is all they are seen as, their existence is denied, their rights denied, their lives marred, scarred and poisoned because of institutional and individual bigotry intolerance hatred and ignorance.

Be old be physically psychologically or mentally impaired be gay lesbian genderqueer intersex trans look different look foreign it's all the same but be yourself.  

It's a hard fight and it's taking too bloody long at times it seems to me but what's the alternative?

The Olympics and Trafficking: Myths and Evidence - A London Event

The Olympics and Trafficking: Myths and Evidence
Wednesday, 25 January 2012
17.45 to 19.00
Followed by refreshments

In the lead up to the 2012 Olympic Games, concerns have been raised about the possibility of an increase in trafficking for sexual exploitation linked to the event. Similar fears have accompanied other international sports events, including the World Cup in Germany and South Africa, the Olympics in Athens and Vancouver, and the US Super Bowl. Yet once the fans go home, the media loses interest, and little is heard about the consistent lack of evidence for any rise in trafficking. Recent research demonstrates that anti-trafficking measures put into place in a range of countries have proved irrelevant, or harmful in cases where sex workers become increasingly criminalised and unable to access health and social programmes. As the 2012 Olympics come to London, this seminar will review the international evidence on trafficking, sex work and sports events, consider public health implications, and ask to what extent police and local authorities here in the UK are basing their policies on evidence. 

Speakers:
Julie Ham, Global Alliance Against Traffic in Women
Marlise Richter, International Centre for Reproductive Health, Ghent
University, and the African Centre for Migration & Society, University of Witwatersrand
Joanna Busza, Population Studies Department, LSHTM

Discussion Panel:
Nivedita Prasad, Ban Ying Counseling and Coordination Center against Trafficking, Berlin
Catherine Stephens, International Union of Sex Workers, London
Georgina Perry, Open Doors, NHS Service for Newham, Hackney & Tower Hamlets

Location:
John Snow Lecture Theatre, London School of Hygiene & Tropical Medicine
Keppel Street
London WC1E 7HT
Map and directions: http://www.lshtm.ac.uk/aboutus/location/

Refreshments will be made available at the end of the presentation.
Admission: Free and open to all with no ticket required. Entry is on a first come, first served basis.
ALL WELCOME!

Contact: Joanna Busza
Email: Joanna.Busza@lshtm.ac.uk
More information: http://www.gaatw.org/publications/WhatstheCostofaRumour.11.15.2011

http://www.iusw.org/  International Union of Sex Workers

it just strikes me....

I look out the window.

I see the flowers in the garden.

There are greenfinches flapping about on the bird feeders.

Apples bending the laden branches of the tree, flowers blooming a touch straggly after the earlier rain. The sun shining now and there is a blue and white sky.

...and though I feel like death warmed up with this flu thing, cough splutter aches and a little too hot.

...and I have some tricky surgery to go through in the next few weeks and months which is just a little bit scary

I remember how bloody lucky I am to be here now.

I've lost quite a few friends lovers and others along the way and I'm sad they are not here any more or we feel different now and have parted but the journeys not done, plenty more love life laughter with all the thorns and dark days colours and light, noise and peace to come

If we are still in the circle together now, thank you for the helping hands and ears the shared everythings over the time passed. Changes are coming but then aren't they always....when was that ever not the case....

fiat lux till that spark arrives from heaven....

things and other things

for gary


y'know ...there's all sorts of stuff going on....



bad scary things, worrying things, questionable things....


today I spent a few hours just watching wild birds, ospreys mainly but also a few others and just seeing em fly, glide, holler out and all the usual bird things that birds do....forgot about some things and also got reminded of others....



there's things good and bad. The exhilaration in watching a butterfly flutter by

wonder as you gaze at a bird of amazing beauty climb high in the sky

and laugh at the antics of a flock of canadian geese flocking about on a lake

these dont get 24 hour reports on Sky or BBC but are as real and important as all the other things.....maybe more so



....also, found out that there is the real possibility of release of gary critchley in the very near future, a chance to live life again outside the hateful system of  unjust incarceration he has endured for so many years....this missive is dedicated to the cause of freedom for gary and all others unjustly imprisoned both in and out of institutions ...