It was almost a challenge, second session with the counsellor I started seeing…
Talking to them it was like I was given a task to do….push myself
There was a gig Friday night
London, Camden, Underworld, Fit For An Autopsy, ticket bought months ago….you must go, do it they tell me…maybe I say
As usual closer and closer to the date, that familiar feeling of anxiety, being out in public
In the past it has led to cancelling nights out, staying in…giving tickets away, making excuses
This time, after much faffing about, start getting ready
For the first time in years, even pulled out my old purple leather trim New Rock boots
Purple in my hair, black nail varnish, my rock goth punk look in gear
Making my way to the gig, wandering around Camden Town
A brief visit to the Church where we used to hold Spectrum London meetings
A quick bite to eat and on to the gig
Down the stairs, the noise is there, guitars, screaming….maybe it will be okay
A chance to talk to one of the guitarists with Fit For An Autopsy, shaking hands, smiling….feeling buzzed
The time I got there meant I just got to see Venom Prison who are a new favourite noisy love
Screaming, noisy, speed, hot, sweat….and I am not drinking, sticking to just water
After time, Fit come on stage….I gradually lose it, scream and shout, bounce bounce bounce.
Soon it is over
A quick tube trip to the cross and the train back to Hitchin.
The night is not over however. As the train is leaving Stevenage and my old pain comes back. Body rebelling, muscles in spasm, barely able to stop screaming out.
Arriving at Hitchin and I am in agony. A kind soul helps me off the train and the station staff try to help. They are worried as it looks like I am having some kind of heart attack. An ambulance is being called, I am being sat down on the floor, take a drink, breath easy, you will be okay I’m told . After 15 minutes or so, the pain recedes and I am left drenched in sweat and shaking. Embarrassed and self conscious at the station folks and passengers who are looking after this old weird looking guy who a short time ago was writhing in agony and telling them….’do not worry, it is not life threatening…it will pass soon’…eventually I convince them to cancel the ambulance and they arranged a taxi to take me home.
Back home, take some Kalms tablets and collapse into bed……muscles in my chest still sore, aching
The next day is blurry, vague as I start the day….
A night out, not so routine, not so everyday as it used to be… it ended up on the floor of platform 2 at Hitchin station….
Despite that, in spite of how I feel still….sore, tired and worn out…..a night out, I got to see some awesome bands…..out of my comfort zone and pushing myself…even getting back into my New Rocks, purple hair and black nails looking flipping cool….as only an old freak can do….
Would I do it again? …well maybe not the boots because they were seriously uncomfortable after a night walking about and bouncing around ….sore feet today, but yes….cos I made it home and even with the crap at the end of the night, I got out and about… heard some fantastic noise, with sweat, heat and energy….not dead yet
…just my tuppence worth…
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