¿amor y cólera? ¿dolor y placer? ¿cuál es su odio?



Theres a difference I feel these days. It ebbs and flows, often stronger when I'm tired at the end of the day.

I've taken a pause, sat and waited, watched and remembered.

The insight I've had as I have remembered long forgotton events and people has shook me. Illusions and denial that last that long have a habit of doing that.

Why on earth did I think that? Why did that person allow my ignorance to continue? Did he seriously think I wouldn't one day remember? Did she think I was the buffoon, the fool, the retard for real?

Someone I know has recently had it confirmed that they are Aspergers. What they re thinking now, must be like shaking the snow globe and seeing it still with the room instead full of flakes. Past experiences, encounters revisited, perhaps re evaluated. Life begins again, possibly with knowledge but a differed view of the past.

I could be completely wrong, as who knows what goes on in a mind not their own, but I mention it because it is certainly akin to how I feel at times now.



I could get all metaphorical about broken spectacles and seeing clear, but as my current pair are held together with duper glue new improved formula and whatever else comes to hand I'll avoid the bad line, I'm wearing my purple/red shaded specs....a touch of style by accident maybe....

gut feeling
know your own self
trust what you know

folly becomes stupid second time around

to think that people that long ago abandoned friendship, who double talked and lied and turned their back on me....why the fuck would they be a true friend after all this time albeit folly facebull friends......strike me senseless with an old Night Train bottle if I didn't waste my time there.

Almost certainly I'm not alone, illusion is very familiar with time and the energy it takes to keep goin.

time to write some letters
forget texts
dig out some addresses from scraps of buried paper, it'll be pen n ink.

lick some stamps
practise my handwriting
and remember some more.


oh and support your post workers on strike!



When the church is empty and the graveyard full


what a difference a day makes?


upsdownstubulurswingleftturnrightand stop

breathe

and continue

lets make it more interesting now....what saves you is now the problem

the medicine becomes the disease pain becomes more than a feeling in senses and a ghost to believe in or not

is there another way to turn? cancerdiabetesdvtstrokes just casual conversation

talking of getting back, recovering, feeling as the few left after a violent storm, shaking the leaves from our hair looking round at the new light

it is always there just as it has to be...lets talk of entropy and push it away in safe distance, not flesh and bone but errosion of some distant shore

face it
breath it in
smile back and kick it in the nuts

is that all you can do? I've dreamt of you since before I could remember, you hold little but a weary feeling of deja vu now

no more of this
plain boring
im coming back and im choosing the game im putting on the records i want to hear and singing the words out loud enough of this waiting till tomorrow we all live and die in the same moment jump through the mirror see the wizard steal his clothes and crank it up to 11

fuck em if they can't take a joke




sometimes its all in a song.....

PRAY TO THE JUNKIEMAKER - Fishbone


Pray to the Junkiemaker through all types of weather
You will be a slave to the Junkiemaker forever
Fiend 4 the means while it taxes your mind...
You're on the road to the "Tombstone Commode"

Fiend like a hype as you suck the glass pipe
Your soul is cast into a Hellish hole
And as you're on your knees tryin to feed your disease
The Monkey's on your back got you "beggin' please"

Pray to the Junkiemaker
Take a hit wit yer lips
Pray to the Junkiemaker...WHOA !

You're jaded the light you no longer see
Burned out, broke down in your misery
Drop to less, you'll soon confess and "assume the position"
"Constipated asphyxiated concludes in Purgatory as stated !"

Pray to the Junkiemaker
Pray to the Junkiemaker
It's the death ticket, "Can I get a witness !"
Pray to the Junkiemaker
"Take a hit, Wit yer lips !"
Pray to the Junkiemaker
"OOOOOOOOOH, WHOAH !"
Pray to the Junkiemaker
"Take a hit, sit and piss !"
Pray to the Junkiemaker
WHOAH !

I ain't talkin' 'bout a physical addiction but a mental spell
It's a moral to this story so listen well
I relate the life I live in full of shit and sometimes Hell

And you will C that the pipe is your reality

Pray to the Junkiemaker !
Mental shitty, Ho !
Mental shitty in the city YEH !
Pray to the Junkiemaker !

And you will find you'll be a junkie with a zombie mind
Suck the pipe, take your life and you will die
All because you wanted to get high !!!!!!

YEH !
In a cold sweat you will
In a deep need you will
In the rock house you will
With a dick in your mouth you will
In a mental rage you will
When your body craves you will
Demonic let's make a deal
In the hospital you will
P.M.R.C. you must be
In the business office you will
In the limousine you will
In the White House in a !
In the school house you will
In the church house you will Yes !
In the police station they do
Shippin' to the ghetto you Devils
As long as you're married you will
Rocked up in the kitchen you're trippin'
Sellin' your child for the rock pile
In a straight jacket in a !!!
Forced for a divorce of course
In the jail house you will
Way black in the plantation
Trippin' in the bum bus station
Mental m-m-masturbation
50 Skylab Station
And the astronauts got to cop
Killin' off the brothers and sistahs
Twitchin' down six feet under
Crack gettin' under my dunder
Mr. Lucifer him chuckle
Mankind under his buckle

...aint that the truth.....

no cataclysm

its the little things that can make that difference .....a minute can dictate a day or more

Yesterday, on good faith I ventured out of my way only to find I was being taken for a ride, someone playing the fool at my expense only I didn't feel like being a fool, so I smiled and laughed about it instead....or maybe that was the point ?

today, with a workload that's like juggling lots of slippery and annoyed fish whilst not being any good at juggling at all, I somehow managed to arrive at an equilibrium and well.....get it sorted to my own satisfaction ...as well as managing to fit in a plate of chips and beans as well :D


...and now tonight, following my gut instinct on something I renew contact with another person who made me smile then, and it has made me smile all the more now....kinda vague all this, eh? :)

still

I had a tough decision to make, followed my own feelings and struck home, hit paydirt, landed on my feet and all those other spot on, right on target etc ways of saying ...Y.E.S! ..cue punching air with fist and grinning bit

which brings me to the idea I was thinking of...yesterday was about buddhism....literally, as I was going to find out more about it....and well, maybe I already have, at least it sounds like the idea ive heard friends speaking of....

now karma, not so sure bout that yet but well, we will see. For now, I'm happy to be be 'at one with my self' at least when it comes to trusting my head and heart...

there you go, no cataclysm just my thoughts....

:D

..do i have to spell it out for you?

....there seems to be something missing.....

you can't have escaped it.....

its in the news....

Visteon workers occupying their factory to get their justice

Vestas where the occupants are being starved out, because they refuse to be swept aside, whilst government give the company 6 million of our money...

or maybe you have seen the news on the police....they killed a man, remember the protests...where is it now? ....kettling they call it, like keeping a lid on something?

talk about greedy politicians with their expense accounts, like thats something new?

A clown for a mayor who quietly cuts funding to community groups, closing down long fought for resources....and we worry about bendy buses?

we need a reality check

it wont go away

the television is filled with programs about valiant cops battling the rising tide of alcohol fuelled violence in city centres....as if that was more important than the quiet slow insideous violence of daily life....no money for food, if you want to keep warm this winter is the stark truth for many older folks in this country.....doctors surgeries being closed down for poly clinics run by private money for private motives....slow death

tighten your belts because of their credit squeeze ....and cheap alcohol is cheaper still...

we are at war apparently, if you don't think so, count the body bags coming home

we need a reality check

what will you wait for? what do they need to take from you before you see?

...and we have it easy, because our death squads are invisible, made up of many anonymous drones in offices, ticking boxes so another person has no money, or no job, or doesn't get the medicine they need....

life is being squeezed out, love is a luxury, dont trust anyone ....are they muslim? maybe a terrorist....an old man living alone? maybe a paedo......hide from your neighbours, ignore the screams, turn up the telly, take another sip or a toke ....

refuse this empty fake life...come alive.....forget their fear, for they are afraid of love, of friendship, of community, of trust....that is what they are afraid of.

don't wait, be alive now, find love, smile, share and push aside the illusion you are given, trust your own feelings, listen to your own voice

what are you waiting for? christmas?

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